Too often, the word “therapy” stigmatizes the concept or couples therapy, creates misconceptions, and pushes people away from the process. But, despite what you may think, couples therapy is not reserved for people with extreme or uncommon problems.
Participating in couples therapy does not necessarily mean that you and your partner have a problem or need to be fixed.
It merely means that you and your partner are interested in improving and supporting your relationship in order to create lasting love.
Why We Need to Over the Couples Therapy Complex
In school we learn about sex and physical anatomy, but very few classes ever teach us about managing emotional relationships or how to argue constructively — even though this is one of the most valuable lessons in life.
In relationships you will argue, and you will fight. It is simply inevitable. You can’t change this. But you can change HOW you fight. In couples therapy, you learn that skill among many others.
You will discover how to deal with conflict in your relationships and productive ways to listen and communicate during a disagreement. This skill is vital for people who want their relationships to flourish and grow.
Therefore, couples therapy can be beneficial to absolutely anyone who wants to have a more cooperative, fulfilling partnership with their loved one. I like to say, “Don’t wait until it is broken to fix it.”
What Are the Goals of Couples Counseling?
Couples therapy doesn’t always require weekly visits and intensive psychotherapy where we dig into your childhood or highlight your skeletons in front of your significant other. You are in charge of the process and that process has simple goals:
- Help you discover how to have a healthier relationship
- Help you better understand your partner
- Help you accept your partner
- Teach you how to support each other
- Explain how to ask for support from each other
- Learn to share your lives productively and happily
- Help you learn to parent together
- And the list goes on and on….
There are many little steps along the way, but the main goal is that we want you both to be happy together!
Recommended Reading: 7 Ways to Increase Intimacy and Reignite Your Relationship
Do You Need Couples Therapy?
Everyone has concerns in a relationship, but some stand out as recurring problems. Obvious ones include:
- Cheating
- Abuse
- Financial irresponsibility
But subtler concerns and many more can be addressed and alleviated during the couple counseling process such as:
- Lack of communication
- Boredom
- Not feeling heard or understood
- Lack of intimacy
- Emotional distance or not feeling “in love” any longer
If you’re feeling unsatisfied, talk with your partner and consider seeing a professional. The process can help you resolve problems AND prevent problems before they begin.
What Happens During Couples Counseling?
So how does it work? What takes place during the process?
Well, it varies depending on the issues a couple is dealing with. But you might be surprised how common some of those issues are, and how helpful it can be to address them early on.
Conflict Resolution
Problems in relationships often arise when frustrations aren’t discussed or properly resolved. Disagreements and conflicts are uncomfortable, but with a therapist mediating the discussion things can be kept on track and remain productive, rather than hostile.
Now, that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to argue or disagree in session. In fact, we encourage that to an extent, but we will always help keep the discussion on track.
Some things are hard to say to the person you love, and just because you are in therapy, it doesn’t mean you have to reveal all of your secrets. Many times, your therapist will encourage you also meet individually to get some things off your chest and vent a bit.
Your therapist should never repeat anything from your individual session to your partner. Your therapist will work with you on constructive ways to communicate and express anything that needs to be discussed that may be damaging your relationship in order to get it back on track. The support is immensely helpful for both!
Gain Insight Into Each Other’s Perspectives and Options
One of the main benefits of having a trained, neutral third-party present is that they can help you understand issues from a new perspective. Not just about each other, but about the circumstances of your relationship (financial problems, family problems, etc.).
You may find that your issue is more common than you thought and that it can be easily resolved once you get past the frustration.
Therapists help break down the “me vs. them” mentality of an argument.
It is a common pattern that you may have said something to your partner before about a feeling or opinion and then felt like they didn’t listen to you. Then it so happens that your therapist says the exact same thing, and they suddenly get it right away!
It is without a doubt frustrating because you feel that your partner doesn’t value your opinion but will listen to others. But more often than not, that isn’t the case.
It is interesting how that works, but sometimes they just need to hear it a different way or simply just not from the person who they love or has the potential to “hurt” them more than anyone else.
Usually their deaf ear towards you is a result of emotional investment in your opinion more so than others, and if it is something difficult to hear, it is easier to just disregard it. We will work through that as well.
Your therapist should be very well trained on remaining neutral and refraining from taking sides. If at any point you feel that they are, it is something you should communicate immediately in order to create balance.
Related: How to Avoid The Four Horsemen of Toxic Relationships
Decide on the Status of the Relationship
Not all therapy results in a continuing relationship. Part of couples therapy involves determining if it is wise and healthy to remain together or if separating might be a better option.
Often when a couple seeks therapy, one or both of them may already be leaning towards separation for the simple reason that they just don’t see any other ways to “fix” things, but the process is never easy.
A therapist can help a partner wanting to leave determine if they should, and a partner that doesn’t want to leave to deal with their emotions in a healthy manner afterward.
Related: Break Up or Make Up? 8 Questions to Help You Decide
How Do I Find the Right Couples Therapist?
Choose someone you and your partner both like and agree on. The client/therapist relationship is the single most important factor for that of positive change during your counseling.
It is important that you feel a connection and comfortable with your therapist. However, you won’t always feel that right away because they are obviously still a stranger. So, we always recommend completing at least three sessions before deciding.
When you meet at first, basic background information will be gathered “What brings you in?” or “Where are you from?” The idea is to collect some relationship and individual history at your first session.
How Long Does Couples Therapy Last?
As mentioned above, we do recommend participating in at least three sessions in order to get comfortable with process and therapist before deciding whether or not to move on with therapy.
After that, the process will be a little different for everyone.
Sometimes things are resolved fairly quickly, but other times a lot of adjustments must be made over a long time period. It is always a learning process, and learning to communicate and interact differently can be difficult for some as it is life-changing.
The process can be shortened, however depending on each partner’s commitment to implementing the new habits. Most therapists teach methods of practicing at home when they are not around to help you get into the habit of improving your relationship. One of the largest reasons that therapy becomes long-term for a couple is that the methods aren’t being implemented consistently at home.
There is no right or wrong amount of time to participate in couples counseling.
Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late
Again, I can’t stress enough the importance of recognizing unhappiness early on and being open to professional insight.
Aside from recognizing something is wrong early, an even better option is to do a relationship “wellness” check-in even when there aren’t any issues as a preventative measure.
Participating in couples therapy doesn’t mean that your relationship is on the rocks or unhealthy, it’s more like a check-up at the doctor’s office to keep things healthy. Sometimes things feel off but you can’t put your finger on the problem, and a therapist can help you identify just what it is.
Don’t give up on your relationship without a fight. Rediscover and strengthen your love.
To learn more about couples therapy, download our free guide and get a code for $25 off your first session with Loving Life. We work with couples in our Tampa office and virtually.
Or, check out our four-week online couples program, Reignite Your Relationship in 4 Weeks which provides daily articles, journal prompts, worksheets, meditations, and activities designed to help couples get their spark back.
Want to Make a Lasting Lifestyle Change? You Need These 3 Things
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Your article would have been extremely helpful before I was going through my divorce. Although, I suppose it’s not too late to mediate things with my wife. I wish we hadn’t waited so long to discuss our marital problems—it would have saved our marriage!
Alex Jennings |
Sorry to hear that Alex. But you are right — it’s never too late! Let us know if we can help you sort things out and mend the relationship.
I believe that everyone can benefit from couples therapy, even those who don’t have any major problems. There is a big stigma against people who need couples therapy, but it can only do good for you. I’ve seen some videos that John Gottman has done, and it’s really interesting to see how the process is done, and how couples can improve.
Couples therapy does sound helpful. I think the subtler concerns are the biggest problems that couples face. If couples therapy can help with boredom in a relationship, that is great.
I believe that communication is one of the biggest tools to solving problems. I think that more often than not, the hardest part about communicating is identifying the root cause of the discomfort and being able to say it. I agree with the article that having a trained professional around to help you get past the frustration and communicate with each other is going to not only solve this conflict, but help you learn to solve future conflicts.
My wife and I fight all of the time. It’s gotten so bad, we’re both considering therapy as an option. If we can both learn how to fight in a more caring and productive way, it’d help our marriage a ton. Thanks for the great tips.
I really find it interesting how you said that marriage counseling can help resolve unresolved or uncomfortable issues between married couples and help them mediate often hostile discussions. I think marriage counseling is also beneficial because it is not only a way to resolve conflict during a session, but a way to teach couples useful problem solving skills that they can apply outside the therapy sessions as well. My friend and her husband are having lots of arguments, but they want to save their marriage for the sake of raising their kids. I will recommend that they look into a reliable marriage counseling service in their area to help them work out their unresolved issues and develop conflict resolution skills they can use in the home, to make their marriage stronger and more enjoyable.
Recently my wife has been having some financial irresponsibility. This is something that, of course, is a concern of mine and it is a reoccurring problem. I will have to talk to my wife about us seeing a professional because we seem to fight about it a bit.
I recently got engaged and my husband and I are thinking about getting couples therapy before we get married so that we can learn to communicate better with each other in our marriage and I did not realize there are so many other benefits as well! The fact that you can learn to share your life and support each other would be a huge benefit for us. This way we can learn how to support each other’s academic and professional goals in a healthy way.